What No One Tells You About Pregnancy

So it's been a while, but I've been a bit busy being pregnant. Now that we are closer to the end, I feel confident in sharing what no one else will tell you about pregnancy.

1) You know that yucky feeling in your stomach when you're hungover? The one you try to satisfy by eating grease, drinking Pedialyte or gatorade, consuming crackers, etc? That is what "morning sickness" actually feels like, except there is nothing to satisfy that sick feeling. It just stays and stays.

2) "Morning sickness" is BS. It's more like all-day-and-night sickness...Something that makes you ill today is what you'll eat 3 of tomorrow, so just get ready.

3) You will be as gassy as your husband after 3 bowls of chili, a hot dog, and a case of beer for the entirety of your pregnancy. It is mortifying, but you'll get used to it. In fact, my husband thinks it is hysterical. He cheers for me like he would for his college roommate.

4) Your brain stops working the minute you find out you are pregnant. You literally have no memory, and it's hard to even communicate. For people like me who make their living by communicating with others, this is particularly frustrating. Carry a notepad with you, and write everything down. Otherwise, you will lose your mind (or your job).

5) In the beginning, after the morning sickness subsides, you will be hungry. It is a hunger I cannot describe, and if you do not eat immediately, you will vomit. Snacking throughout the day is essential and the only way to keep this from happening. You want to avoid this phenomenon at all costs.

6) One day, you will wake up and be PREGNANT. I went for almost 6 months with no real, visible bump. Then one day I woke to find that my beautiful breasts were actually resting on my belly. It was very, very scary and quite a shock. Also, it is around this same day that your thighs will begin to rub together. This is also a scary feeling, as you have never known this sensation before. My advice: baby powder (helps you cut down on chafing). Lovely, right?

7) You will be exhausted. It is a tired you cannot explain, and no amount of sleep will compensate for it. You will fall asleep in weird places like your desk, your car, even waiting for your husband in the grocery store. Just make sure to find some time in the middle of the day to cat nap. 15-20 minutes seems to do the trick for me.

8) Eventually, you will be unable to sleep. This sleeplessness starts at about 5 months and last through the end of pregnancy. In the beginning, it is suggested that you start to sleep on your left side. If you are a stomach sleeper like I am, this is the toughest transition. In month five, your hips will start to slowly separate, making your joints loose and your muscles weak. This pain is enough to keep you awake. In month 6, it's the pain in your lower back that keeps you awake. In month 8, after the baby turns down in the "Go" position, it is the baby's head resting on your bladder that will cause you to get up at least once every 2 hours to go to the bathroom. By this time, lack of sleep has become second nature to you, so you should be able to roll with it. I also suggest telling everyone around you that you are a zombie, and if they come near you, you will eat them for lunch. This has worked wonders for me.

9) Finally, try not to read all of the scary stuff in the more medically-focused pregnancy books. I was freaking out during the first few weeks about what to eat, drink, etc. and even what my husband and I could do in bed because of those books. If you have a question, ask your doctor. That is his/her job. It's not always comfortable or easy, but well worth it.

10) Enjoy it. Have fun. Buy baby clothes and maternity clothes and nursery decorations with wild abandon. No one can fault you now, so GO FORTH and SHOP.

Any other questions about pregnancy? Ask in your comments. I'd love to get a discussion going...